What Not To Wear
by Addsername
Summary: When Whatsername nominates St. Jimmy for What Not To Wear, trouble is sure to erupt. Rated for language and brief drug mention. Slash if you squint. Pretty pretty please review!


**Hey! It's Addie. I got the brilliant idea at like 2 am last night to write a fic about Jimmy going on What Not to Wear. Sorry it's a little wordy in places, that's how my early-in-the-morning brain happens to work. Hope you like it and pretty please with a cherry on top review!**

Johnny: *sleeping*

Jimmy: *sleeping*

Johnny: *snores*

Jimmy: Johnny. Roll overrrrrrrr.

Johnny: *snores*

Jimmy: *shoves Johnny over to other side of bed*

Johnny: wh…uh?

Jimmy: *annoyed* you were snoring. So I shoved you.

Johnny: But! *stammering* it's an involuntary reflex and I can't control it!

Jimmy: Whatever.

Johnny: Meh.

Whatsername: *busts open door* Jimmy! I…uh… need you outside. Downstairs. Now.

Jimmy: Uh? Why?

Whatsername: Because…. Uh… *clearly lying* there's a…..capybara. a capybara in the driveway. And I'm too scared to try and get it to move. So I need you to…. Uh….. get rid of this capybara.

Johnny: The fuck is a capybara?

Whatsername: It's the world's largest rodent, indigenous to…. Uh…. Driveways.

Jimmy: Mmhmm. Whatever.

Johnny: *rolls over and pretends to go back to sleep*

Jimmy: *grabs baseball bat from next to his bed* Fiiiiiiiine. *heads outside to inspect large rodent*

Whatsername: *giggles*

Johnny: Whatsy. You're the worst liar ever.

Whatsername: I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep a secret. But I'm just too damn excited!

*downstairs*

Jimmy: What? I don't see a capybara. Large rodents are clearly not indigenous to Murder City.

Whatsername: *giggles uncontrollably*

Johnny: *slaps Whatsername on the wrist*

Jimmy: Johnny Cakes! Never hit a woman! Unless she's out of the kitchen!

Johnny: But… she is. This is the driveway.

Jimmy: The point stands. WHATSY GET YOUR LADY BUTT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW.

Whatsername: Shut up you chauvinist pig.

Jimmy: *snickers* I'm going back inside. There are clearly no capybaras that need to be shooed from our driveway.

Johnny: But…. Uh….. what if it comes back?

Whatsername: YEAH! Everyone knows capybaras are…. Um… indecisive animals!

Jimmy: *facepalms* Seriously. Stop it with the shenanigans. I'm going back inside.

Johnny: NOOOOOO! JIMMY I LOVE YOU. DON'T GOOOOOO

Jimmy: Jesus. I was just going back inside. This isn't fucking Titanic.

Whatsername: But really. You should…. Um…. Get in the car. We're going to go look for that terribly allusive capybara.

Jimmy: NO.

Johnny: But we need someone as strong and manly as you to help us fight off the filthy rodent!

Jimmy: *groans* UGH.

Whatsername: *giggles*

Jimmy: The hell is so funny?

Whatsername: Uh…. Nothing!

*pause*

*high heels clacking*

*whispering*

Stacy London: JIMMY!

Clinton Kelly: JIMMY!

Jimmy: The fuck are you?

Stacy: I'm Stacy,

Clinton: And I'm Clinton,

Both: And we're from TLC's What Not To Wear!

Jimmy: *stammering* whuh? Uhh? THE FUCK?

Whatsername: *giggling uncontrollably*

Stacy: Your friends Johnny and…. Wait…. What's your name again?

Whatsername: You can call me Whatsy.

Stacy: Your friends Johnny and Whatsy worked together to nominate you for What Not to Wear! We'd like to offer you $5,000 for a whole new wardrobe, but there's a catch:

Clinton: You've got to play by our rules: whatever we say goes, goes.

Jimmy: BUT I'M INSUBORDINANT! IT'S EVEN IN MY SONG! I DON'T LISTEN TO WELL DRESSED MAKEOVER SHOW HOSTS. I'M JIMMY AND I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT.

Whatsername: *pouts* but Jimmy!

Johnny: C'mon muffin. DO IT AND YOU'RE COOL! DO IT AND YOU'RE COOL!

Jimmy: NO.

Stacy: But don't you want to look—

Jimmy: *cuts her off* NO.

Johnny: But Jimmy! MONEY. $5000. Do you know how long you have to deal to earn that kind of money?

Jimmy: If you're me? About three days.

Johnny: Aside the point. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

Whatsername: DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

Jimmy: Well… you know how I feel about money. And peer pressure.

Johnny: Yeah….. YEAH!

Jimmy: FINE. I'll do it. But only for Johnny-Cakes.

Clinton: Mahvelous.

Jimmy: Wait. You're not straight, are you?

Clinton: OF COURSE NOT, BEYOTCH.

Theo: *pops out of Jimmy's pants* *cheers* *hugs Clinton*

Jimmy: For once I'm actually not the object of Theo's affection! What a novel concept. WOOHOO

Theo: *hurt* I still love you Jimmy. Just not nearly as much as I love Clinton!

Jimmy: *facepalms*

Stacy: So, you're in?

Jimmy: I'm in.

Clinton: *hands Jimmy credit card and plane tickets*

**Later, in New York…**

Stacy: Welcome to our studio! Pick three outfits you would usually wear and hop on over to the 360.

Clinton: We'll be in the back picking out new outfits for you.

Jimmy: Mmhmm. Whatever. Mmmmm, money.

Clinton: *eyes Jimmy suspiciously* Remember, you have to go by our rules.

Jimmy: Yeah. Uh-huh. Totally. Rad.

Stacy and Clinton: *leave*

*in the 360*

Jimmy: Well. This is what I'd normally wear. *tugs on plain black tank top with various rips and snags* Uh…. A tank top. And jeans. That are….. black. As you can see. *admires figure in the mirror* Damn, I'm one sexy beast.

Stacy: Well. Jimmy… For starters…

Clinton: The little fabric left of your shirt is rayon blend. Tacky, tacky!

Jimmy: Um….

Stacy: And these jeans are far too tight for a man of your age.

Jimmy: But they're the only jeans that fit! In case you haven't noticed, I kind of don't have an ass.

Stacy: Jimmy. There's no need to be insecure. You have the figure that designers design for.

Jimmy: Really?

Stacy: YES.

Jimmy: That's nice, considering I subsist solely off of ramen, beer, and FourLoko….

Clinton: Um…

Stacy: Moving on. Do you like the way you look in this outfit?

Jimmy: YES.

Stacy: Really?

Jimmy: Yes?

Stacy: Do you think you could look better?

Jimmy: Well….

Stacy: That's the spirit…

Jimmy: As I was saying… NO.

Stacy: Jimmy, if you want the money for a new wardrobe, you need to follow the rules Clinton and I set. *points to a mannequin* This, here, is a suit that is far more appropriate for business. Remind me, what industry are you in?

Jimmy: Uh…..

Stacy: Go on…

Jimmy: Uh… Rabbit farming?

Stacy: *nods enthusiastically* Okay then.

Clinton: This beautiful overpriced suit is perfect for such a…. Um…. Dignified profession.

Jimmy: Sure. Whatever.

Theo: *pops out of Jimmy's shirt* CLINTONNNNN! SAY MORE WORDS! *hugs Clinton*

Clinton: Um… Hi. And you are?

Theo: THEO STOCKMAN. I mean… I can be someone else if you want me to be…. *winks*

Clinton: *shakes head cautiously*

Theo: pops back into mannequin's suit

Clinton: HOW DOES HE DO THAT?

Johnny: That's what I've yet to figure out. Oh well.

Stacy: So. Now's the part where we throw all your stuff away and bitch about your awful wardrobe.

Clinton: YIPPEE! Let's go!

Jimmy: *unenthusiastic* Fun…

Stacy: *holds up black tank top identical to the one Jimmy's wearing* Fugly. *throws shirt in trash can*

Jimmy: *stammering in protest*

Clinton: *holds up black skinny jeans identical to the ones Jimmy's wearing* Jimmy…. These are women's jeans.

Jimmy: I'm well aware.

Clinton: They're ducky-frucky-trucking lady pants!

Jimmy: Mmhmm.

Clinton: That doesn't bother you in the slightest?

Jimmy: Nope.

Theo: *pops out of the pants Clinton is holding up*

Stacy: Seriously. How does he keep doing that?

Jimmy: I TOLD YOU. I HAVE NO IDEA.

Theo: *drooling*

Jimmy: *snaps fingers in Theo's face*

Theo: Sorry. Sorry. *pops back into pants*

Clinton: *tosses pants into trash can*

Stacy: *picks up another identical black tank top*…Really?

Jimmy: *nods*

*later…..*

Stacy: Okay… Jimmy… we've thrown away 20 identical black tank tops. Time for you to buy a new, age and gender appropriate wardrobe.

Jimmy: Well it's not like I dress in drag…

Theo: *pops out of trash can full of Jimmy's old clothing* Not that I would mind that…

Jimmy: Theo. Ew.

Theo: Sorry. Hey, can I keep these clothes?

Stacy: I don't see why not. Not like we can donate them to charity or anything…

Theo: SWEET! More swag for my Jimmy shrine!

Jimmy: Um…. Theo…

Theo: Oh. I said that out loud?

Stacy, Clinton, and Jimmy: *nodding*

Theo: Um….. I think Tunny needs help um…. Adopting a cat. For his uncle. His uncle….. His uncle Ronciford. Tunny's uncle Ronciford wants a cat and there are laws against um….. allowing amputees or the uncles of amputees to adopt cats because cats…. Um… don't like prosthesis's. It's in section 4 clause 17. Read it. Kthxbye. *pops back into trash can*

Clinton: What is wrong with that child? How do you even know him?

Jimmy: He's um… my… erratic cousin. Yeah. That's it.

Clinton: Suuuure.

Jimmy: IT'S TRUE.

Stacy: So anyway. SHOPPING TIME! MY FAVORITE PART!

Clinton: YAY!

Jimmy: Um… yay?

Clinton: YAY!

Stacy: YAY!

Jimmy: Buttsex.

Clinton: What?

Jimmy: Yay?

Clinton: YAY!

Stacy: YAY!

*video diary*

Jimmy: *in a taxi* Well… uh… it's the first day of shopping and I'm…. y'know… shopping. So far all the stores Stacy and Clinton have sent me to have been…. Um… how do I phrase this diplomatically? Oh right. Fucking ugly. So now I'm sort of hoping for a minor miracle….

*cab pulls up in front of Hot Topic*

Jimmy: THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!

*enters store*

Jimmy: Mehehehehehe…. MONEYYYYYY

Sales Associate: Um? Can I help you?

Jimmy: Nooope. I'm good. Perfectly peachy.

Sales Associate: Sir? Are you, like, stoned?

Jimmy: entirely. AND I'M PERFECTLY PEACHY.

Sales Associate: Alright then. I'll leave you to find what you'd like.

*10 minutes later*

Jimmy: *walks up to register holding $5000 worth of identical black tank tops, black skinny jeans, and black hoodies.

Sales Associate: Will that be all, sir?

Jimmy: Yup.

Sales Associate: Your credit card?

Jimmy: *pays*

Sales Associate: Thank you sir. Come back soon!

Jimmy: *gets back in cab* TLC Studios, please.

Cab Driver: *Turns around and grins*

Jimmy: THEO?

Cab Driver: *giggles and nods*

Cab Driver/Theo: So, sweet thaang. Did you buy anything nice?

Jimmy: Fuck off.

Theo: *hops out cab window*

Jimmy: Well, guess I'll be needing a new cab.

*back at the studio*

Stacy: So, did you buy anything?

Jimmy: *nodding enthusiastically*

Clinton: Care to show us?

Jimmy: Okeeeey! *thrusts ten large Hot Topic bags in Clinton's direction*

Clinton: Whuh…. Wow.

Stacy: You're hopeless.

Jimmy: Mmhmm! I get that a lot.

Stacy: *shakes head*

**Later, at home…**

Johnny: Muffin! What did you get?

Jimmy: *shows Johnny massive suitcase filled with identical black clothes*

Johnny: OH JIMMY. I'M SO PROUD.

Theo: *pops out of Jimmy's suitcase* CLINTONNNNN. DON'T LEAVE MEEEEE.

Jimmy: Theo… We left New York four hours ago.

Theo: *crying hysterically* I NEED CLINTONNNNN

Jimmy: I feel neglected.

Johnny: NYET. I LOVE YOU JIMMEHHH. *kisses passionately*

Jimmy: Ok… I'm down with that…

Whatsername: Guys. No PDA in my presence. YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC TO SLASH.

Jimmy: That's not slash, prudeface. You want slash?

Johnny: BUT THE STORY'S RATED T!

Jimmy: Fine.

Johnny: I'm so proud your makeover was so wildly successful.

Jimmy: I KNOW RIGHT!

Whatsername: But you just bought a bunch of tank tops and more skinny jeans.

Jimmy: *nodding* mmhmm….

Whatsername: You mean we went through all the trouble of nominating you for THIS?

Jimmy: I know! ISN'T IT GREAT?

Whatsername: *facepalm* Men. They just don't get it.

**FIN!**

**Hope you liked it! Pretty pretty please review! I promise if you review I'll be happy, and I like being happy. When I'm not happy, I don't want to go to school. If I don't go to school, I'll flunk out and I won't be able to get a job so I'll be poor so I'll have to live in a cardboard box and when it rains I'll be soggy. REVIEW IF YOU WANT SAINTADDIE TO BE HAPPY AND NOT SOGGY. Thanks lovelies!**


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